Online, I read many stories about mothers with fertility problems. In these cases, it’s…
I had imagined motherhood differently.
Not more beautiful, but less intense.
My adventure as a mother all started about 8 years ago. We are going to try for a baby! We have our lives and our life together on track, my ovaries are rattling, our rental house is big enough and our hearts much bigger, we are ready.
We didn’t have to hope for a pregnancy for very long, because after six weeks of trying I was pregnant.
I fantasize about you. Are you a boy or a girl? What do you look like? How will it feel, being a mother?
My bump is growing and so are my desires.
I can’t wait for you to arrive. I don’t have to get used to the idea of a little one, because gosh, I am so ready for this.
Sometimes life runs differently than planned
Unfortunately, it all turned out differently… Just before I was 24 weeks pregnant, our first child was born.
Lev died 17 minutes later in my arms.
He is so beautiful and I am beyond proud, but most of all, I am broken. My mother heart has only just started to grow, but already forever broken into thousands of pieces.
Since Lev’s birth, I have belonged to the club of mothers. There is no baby in a crib and my arms are painfully empty, but I feel like a mother, from the inside and out. The love for Lev grows by the day, though it is difficult to give form to my love.
The desire for a baby is more than ever.
Seven months after Lev was born, I have a positive test in my hands.
A nerve-wracking pregnancy follows.. There is no longer any joy and after yet another hospitalization I am put on bed rest. At 37.6 weeks, Ezra is born after an induced delivery.
Our rainbow baby, my savior and my little prince. This baby is going to give our lives color again.
I enjoy Ezra to the fullest. He is an easy baby. I don’t really have to get used to parenthood. I am so ready for it! Still, the fear of losing Ezra creeps up on me regularly. If he is sick or if he chokes, I end up in a blind panic. Every time moments of the cremation, the coffin and the mourning cards are going through my head.
However, I don’t let the fear of losing Ezra overshadow the happiness. What does play through my mind is the enormous desire for another child. The fear of becoming an invisible mother again or not being able to conceive again is big.
Shortly after Ezra’s first birthday, I became pregnant again.
After another difficult pregnancy mentally, Eden is born. Three childbirths in three years, I don’t recommend it to anyone. Yet the arrival of Eden brings much peace to my mind. We will never feel complete after Lev his passing, but it is okay.
Still a long way to go
Now, more than 7 years later, I have experienced many sides of motherhood. Love, pride, gratitude and happiness, but also sadness, stress, uncertainty and little time for myself.
I have learned a lot about motherhood, but I am far from finished. Sometimes I fear what is to come, but I also look forward to it.
The best thing about being a mom is definitely the pride I feel when I look at my children, hear and see them laugh and see them grow up to the unique humans they are becoming.
The toughest thing about being a mom is parenting, without a doubt. I think I underestimated that. Putting boundaries and being consistent are not my strongest points.
Ideally, I like to be a spontaneous mom and “go with the flow” every day. However, our children and I do well on structure and regularity. All different phases last just long enough as far as I am concerned and I look forward to all the time to come.
‘Stop growing,’ I often say to Ezra and Eden. But in the end, I only have one big wish and that is that they may continue to grow.
And that little boy in my heart, for him, my love only continues to grow bigger.
On my Instagram @liefs_van_roos I share daily things from my life as a mom. I show the beautiful, but also the not so beautiful sides.